Max and HER Problems
by Damien Ark
Summary: The root of all evil, in Max's Case, is her own chocolate chip cookies. It's a cooking masterpiece gone wrong, and Max must save -and prank- the ones she loves with help from the Voice. Warning: Very OOC.
1. Chapter 1

Cookies

The truth about Max's cooking.

NOTE

This probably sucks, due to sleep deprivation. I advise you NOT to read it, I made it purely for fun. It's very random, and I have a feeling a couple o' strange people will like it. So yeah, carry on if you dare. Also, warning: Very OOC.

DISCLAIMER:

I do **_NOT_**, in any way, own material from James Patterson or the artists of the songs in this Fanfic. Please don't sue me. I love you, if that helps. Now onto the story!

* * *

"Maaax, Fang is on it again." Nudge whined, eyeballing the dark 14-year old. We were currently in a hotel, having two connecting rooms. The door was open, and Nudge had just walked in.

"He had _another _one? Someone should put him on a leash." I sighed, knowing that the next few hours were going to be heck. Nudge just walked out, nodding her head. I liked it when he acted sane and quiet, now…now he should be in a straightjacket. Take now for instance.

He had just walked in, and began singing, "I was gonna cut myself, then I got high." I tuned him out. Ever since…then…he would randomly sing, usually having his arms out like he was an airplane. Most of the time he changed the lyrics, like now, to fit him. Even though I'm pretty sure Fang wasn't that "emo".

"Would you _shut up_?" An annoyed Iggy strained, going insane over the situation. "Some people are trying to make a bomb to blow you up! I'm so sick of you getting high, Fang! Stop eating Max's cookies!" Yes, my cookies were so terribly good they made Fang high. Is that possible? Not sure. Is Fang really high? Definitely.

"Iggy, I will not allow any kind of mutilation of Fang. Even if he is high, deep down he is still our emo birdkid." I said, a hint of sarcasm in my voice. I will admit, though, blowing Fang up would at least silence him. No, bad Max. You like Fang. Or so everyone thinks…

"I was gonna kiss Ma-ax, because I got high!" Fang shouted at the top of his lungs, causing Iggy to actually laugh.

"Alright Iggy, I now grant you permission to blow Fang to smithereens." I said, Iggy still having an grin creeping up on his face.

"Actually, I'm gonna let him live. I want to hear more." He said, fully interested now. I swear, the whole flock has gone mad. We're stranded here in this beat-down apartment, no where to go, and forced to listen to Fang. I should've never made those batch of cookies. I tried to throw them out after he had three, but Angel thought it would be funny to "convince" me to keep them. Now look where we are.

"I believe I can flyyy." Fang began to sing another song, after his first one ended. I sighed, and Iggy began to chuckle. Boys are complete birdbrains. See, that was pun-ny? Okay, I must be high off of the cookie fumes. That or I've reached insanity from Fang and my merry band of lunatics.

"I'm going flying, I need some silence." I told the Flock, who were smart enough to stay in the opposite room of Fang. I prayed that Fang would not stop me, but life just wanted to torment me. Life just had no mercy for the 14 year old girl that had been tortured for the beginning of her life, and now on the run.

"But Max, I wanted to dedicate this next song to you." Fang said, a melancholy tone in his voice. I didn't know whether I should run or stay, right now I wasn't too sure. It wouldn't hurt to just hear it, though. I mean, how bad could it be. After he saw I wasn't leaving, he began.

"_Okay, I'm a cheerleader now!_

_U.G.L.Y_

_You ain't got no alibi, you ugly._

_Eh! Hey! You ugly!"_

I sighed, this boy was hopeless. Iggy, on the other hand, cracked up laughing. Fang just continued his song.

"_Your teeth are yellow, they're covered in mould  
You're only fourteen, you look a hundred years old  
When looks were handed out you were last in line_

_Your face looks like where the sun don't shine  
Did you fall off a building and land on your head  
Or did a truck run over your face instead  
There ain't no pill cause you ain't ill"_

I regretted ever staying in that hotel room. After that, I flew out of there like a bat out of heck. I would do something about those cookies, if it's the last thing I do. I want my old Fang back, the one that was actually normal. Well, normal for _us_. I don't see how the Flock could take it, I guess they just thought seeing my misery was funny. "Curse you, all-mighty Cooking Gods! I will avenge my nutty Fang's soul!" I shouted into the heavens, angry at the Cooking Gods for granting me such an evil curse._  
_

As I flew overhead, there was one thought that kept entering my mind. _I am NEVER making chocolate chip cookies again. _


	2. Sporks, Lemons, Laughs

Well, well, well. It appears I am once again sleep deprived and have continued this story. This one is MORE random, so I advise you not to read it if you have a serious personality. This is all meant to be a joke, nothing harsh. Flame if you want, I don't care.

Disclaimer: I do **_NOT _**own Maximum Ride. Please do not sue me. I will give you all Skittlez if you don't. MMmm, skittlez.

"Umm, Max? Something strange just happened." Gazzy looked at me with eyes wider than the 'bambi eyes' Angel and Nudge used. _Oh great, what is it this time,_ I thought to myself. I opened my mouth to answer, but Gazzy interrupted me.

"I was in the bathroom and, uh…" His voice trailed off, and my mind just shut down. _Oh my god, _I thought after a minute, _Gazzy hit…he…and. _I thought this over a moment, thinking over what to say. He was still very quiet, and it was making me more and more nervous. He stared patiently at me, and I began to feel my cheeks burn. Finally, I spoke up.

"Uhh, Gazzy, what you're going through is very normal." I spoke slowly, thinking over how I could say this. I couldn't just tell him to go ask Fang or Iggy, they were gone to get us something to eat and plus they would _never _take this seriously. I always had to be the adult, not them. I could just picture Iggy laughing and Fang with his smirk. That image made me want to give the two of them a good punch in the face.

"It's _normal_?" He asked, obviously confused. Oh great, this is going to be harder than I thought. I looked around at our hotel room, trying to delay this conversation so I could have time to think. Ever since last week's cookie incident with Fang, things have somewhat died down. Now _this_.

"Look, Gazzy. Me and you can have this talk after dinner, okay? Just, keep quiet about it and we'll…" I blushed, again. This was _not _my job to tell Gazzy he's now a man. Fang or Iggy should have to do this. Those dumb, immature jerks.

I sighed, frustrated. "Okay Max, later then." He said, interrupting my thoughts. He walked off to the other room, where Nudge, Angel, Total, and Akila were. The hotel didn't allow dogs in their rooms, but you know how Angel is _so _"convincing". We are giving that girl such a bad influence. She's going to end up on America's Most Wanted if we're not careful.

Now that I was free from that uncomfortable talk with Gazzy, I took time to just breathe and think. My thoughts instantly drifted to Fang, I couldn't help it. I'm just thankful that he finally returned sane and will never eat one of my cookies again. He was pretty embarrassed, though, when he found out what all he did. He seemed to have no memory of doing anything, or so he says. I tried to get Angel to peek into Fang's mind, but when she did, she just stared at me. Like, in shock. She wouldn't speak or move for several minutes. I can't imagine what was in there. Probably rocks, I suppose. His head is full of them.

I decided to take another shower, this being my second one today. The hot, scalding water stung my skin, but it felt amazing. If we were going to have access to a shower, I was going to enjoy it as much as I could. Even if that meant using all the hotel's water supply. Yes, I do have an evil side to me.

"Mwuahahahahaha!" I did my evil laugh, something I had been working on. I grinned at myself, I was getting good. Pretty soon I'd be able to beat Fang's. Yes, Fang had an evil laugh. Something no one but me knew about. Fang didn't even know I knew, that's how secret that secret was. Then, someone knocked.

"Uhh, Max? Are you feeling okay?" Fang's deep voice filled the bathroom, and I suddenly panicked. He could not know that I was going to beat his evil laugh, no one could know. _No one…_

"Yeah, I'm alright. I just had something in my throat." I quickly lied. _That was pathetic. _I waited for him to figure out, but instead he mere just replied with a 'okay' and walked off. I sighed. "That was close." I whispered to myself.

After that, I quickly got myself out and dried. Fang was back, so he and Iggy obviously must've brought food. I was _starved. _I thought about how after dinner I'd have to talk with Gazzy about…that. More frustration hit me, and I had to calm myself down again.

I was finally out of the bathroom ten minutes later, now feeling better. I smelled the delicious scent of pizza drift towards me, and I rushed to the other room. Everyone was already digging in, not caring about me and my hunger. No one cares about me, they'd let me starve for days. Looks like I have to hunt for my own prey.

My "hunt" began by opening the pizza box, only to be disappointed seeing bare emptiness. "Did you guys eat _all _the pizza?" I shrieked. This was followed by giggling and laughing, and I just huffed and went off to the other room. Just so they would know I was angry, I slammed the door. If they wanted to be obnoxious pigs, so be it. I don't need them anyway, just me and Lemons. Lemons was my bear. My precious bear. No one knew about him. He was a secret. Seems like I'm keeping a lot of secrets lately. I tossed that thought aside, and withdrew Lemons from my backpack.

"My preciousss." I whispered to myself, cradling the sacred object. I stroked it's soft fur over and over, until a knock was heard. I quickly stashed Lemons away, and yelled, "Come in!" I tossed one more quick glance towards Lemons, making sure he was hidden away. I always had to be cautious with him, the others would never live it down.

It was Gazzy, of course. He walked in and shut the door behind me, something I noticed. That was odd of him, but then again he was going through that awkward stage. He paused before speaking, and in that silence I was going insane.

"Max, about earlier. You see-" He began to speak, but I stopped him and and motioned for him to sit down. He sat down cautiously, and he waited for me to speak. I might as well explain what is happening to him, else he might get freaked out and die on me.

"Gazzy, around your age, boys will start to…well, _develop._" I told him, thinking of how to put it. He just looked at me like I was crazy, then he interrupted me. What was up with that, by the way? Everyone doesn't let the other speak anymore. There's just _no _respect around here anymore.

"Max, you don't understand. In the bathroom, I sorta farted out a spork." He said lamely, looking down. I froze. _He farted out a spork? He's not going through puberty? _Thoughts like that ran around my head, and I was getting dizzy. After a moment of thinking things through, I spoke.

"So…you farted out a spork." I said, equally lamely. This was ridiculous. Correction, this was stupid. This boy cannot fart out a _spork, _for the love of god. "You got any proof, bubba?" I asked him, not feeling like myself anymore.

He reached into his pocket, wrapped his hand around something, and withdrew an object. I grimaced at the repulsive sight. In his hands lay, not only a spork, but a spork covered with a thin, slimy substance. I threw up, _all over _Gazzy. The poor kid didn't even see it coming. He instantly responded.

"Oh, god! Max! You are a sick, disgusting, insensitive freak!" He shouted at me, "You think it's some joke or it's not normal, how do you think I feel? I hate you!" He ran out, crying. I just sat there, dumbfounded.

In the midst of my confusion and shame, Fang walked in. "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" He shouted at me, grinning. He then proceeded to walk out. Leaving me now feeling defeated by Fang's evil laugh. He won. I then thought about how Gazzy's spork issue would make him hate me, and I felt like a total loser. Maybe I could go emo like Fang. Maybe I could get revenge. Yes, _revenge. _

"_Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" I shouted, knowing they'd hear me. Fang lost at that one, and I just locked my door. I then went to go grab Lemons. I began to rub his fur, scheming evil, diabolical plans._


	3. The Mission

This is sorta a filler chappy. It's only, like, 500 words; so I apologize for that. I promise the next one will be 1000+ words. I just suddenly had this idea. My story now has a plot! Yay! Feel free to flame, I don't care. Reviews, though, I love.

...Although, this is my second update this MORNING. I shouldn't feel sorry for it's shortness. Just...deal, okay?

Disclaimer: I do not own Max Ride. But I do own the idea of the cookie plotline. Fear me!

* * *

"Angel, I need your help with my operation." I told her, my voice firm. I needed her to help my "little plan" to start moving along. With her help, things would go along much smoother and faster. It would be the biggest thing ever to be remembered in our flock history! They'll obey me after this, they'll respect me as a leader. I'll finally get my share of pizza that I deserve. I finally won't be laughed at if I do something stupid, which I'm always liable to do. This will be a revolution!

"Max, I am not going to help you with your "Operation Havoc" idea. Okay?" Angel told me, like a spoiled little brat I might add. "And I am not a spoiled little brat. Now go fetch me some cookies while me and Nudge go kill those birds with a slingshot." I just stood there, mouth open. I couldn't believe my Angel, my baby, had turned into such a bratty devil.

It must be those cookies, they are the source of all evil. It's the perfect weapon. Something that tastes delicious is used as a weapon of mass chaos. Suddenly, an overwhelming power forced me to walk into the kitchen.

"Darn Angel and her stupid mind tricks." I mumbled to myself as I reached into the cheap refrigerator and retrieved the plate of cookies. Now was the time to inspect them and see if they could be of any assistance to my plans. I carefully, and quietly, unwrapped the plastic off. They mustn't hear me, or else they'll stop me from saving them.

_**Max, the cookies. You have to…hang on, I'm in a tunnel. You have to save the flock. It's your mission. Here, I'm going to magically give you super cool gadgets and gizmos to help you with your Operation Havoc. Save the flock, then save the world, Maxxxx!**_

The Voice faded out of my head, his last word echoing inside my mind. Right, I had a mission now. Save my family, eat the cookies, prank them, do nothing, make out with Fang, do nothing again, THEN save the world. Right-o.

The gadgets and gizmos the Voice spoke of appeared under my bed, this I somehow subconsciously knew. It was all…amazing and cool. I felt like an undercover spy. I should get a theme song, you know. Off track, I have to sabotage the cookies and quick. Now, was it the red gizmo or the blue gadget I'm suppose to use on the cookies. One of them will kill my flock, the other will save them. Choices, choices. I think I'll just choose one at random. Yeah, that'll work.

**Narrator: Will Max succeed in her mission? Will she kill the flock? Will she then proceed to prank them for revenge? Is my voice totally gay? Do I still live with my mom? Find out next time on…Max and HER Problems.**


	4. Back to Normal

Another update? Si, it's true. Enjoy! Like I've said, flame if you want; I don't care. But I do love reviews.

Disclaimer: Maximum Ride is owned by James Patterson, and not me. Humph.

"Don't. Touch. The. Cookies." A voice threatened me from behind. I slowly turned around, the red gizmo in my hand. She held in her hands a menacing slingshot. I stood no chance. A red, laser shooting gizmo magically given to me by the voice in my head is no mere match for a wooden slingshot. I was doomed.

I decided to give the gizmo a chance, and fired a laser at Nudge by pressing the big button. Plus, I just wanted to push the button, it's always so much fun. Back on track. Nudge's eyes widened as the laser neared, going in slow motion. She slowly jumped out of the way, shouting 'no'. The laser then flew past her at a much more rapid speed, hit a vase and reflected back. My red gizmo was incinerated. Guess it was the wrong choice after all.

"Ha! You foolish mutant!" Nudge shouted in a voice that didn't belong to her. Something was terribly wrong here, what have I done? This is all my fault. I had to stop this, I just had to.

I dived for the blue gadget, but Nudge's reflexes were faster. She pulled back her slingshot, placed a rock in it, and fired at the gadget. It hit it dead on, and the gadget was pushed out of my reach.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She laughed, sounding more demonic each passing minute.

"W-Woah, she beat mine. She beat Fang. That. Can't. Happen." I growled at the end, and lunged myself at Nudge. I began to bite, scratch, slap, and kick the crap out of her. Suddenly, Iggy popped in.

"Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!" He began to chant. Glad to know he still remained a sexist pig. It's like the cookies just take away all their good tributes to themselves, and replace them with the bad. Angel was no longer nice, Nudge was no longer friendly, Fang lost his mind, Gazzy…farted a spork. Of course, no one cares about the minor character. So what do they do? Just make him fart a spork. Clever.

_**You're on the right track, Max. That's exactly what the cookies do. You must bring the good back inside of them. You must help them, Max. You must help them before my soap operas come on. Hurryyyy!**_

Woah, I wonder if the Voice watches General Hospital. I totally love that show. I mean, last week's episode was such a shocker with….Pay attention, Max. You heard the Voice, bring the good back inside them. What the _flock_ is that suppose to mean? Think. Think. Think.

"I have no choice, I have to do this," I told Nudge, and she looked almost scared. Then, I took a big gulp of air and began, "I love you. You love me." I started to sing the Barney theme song, knowing there was nothing more good, or gay, than that. It seems I was right, Nudge dropped to the floor holding her ears. It worked!

While she was temporarily paralyzed, and Iggy was too busy being a sexist pig, I grabbed the blue gadget and zapped the cookies. I thought I heard the cookies scream, but I couldn't have. Instantly, in no way that could be logically explained, Nudge and Iggy were better. They were back to their normal, regular selves. That must mean everyone else is. That was shorter than I expected. I didn't have to fly across the world…split up with my flock…eat disgusting snails…watch the news. Wow, just wow.

Then, the rest of the flock walked in, apparently confused about what happened. "Max, what happened?" Sweet little Angel asked me, and I thought this over. Tell them or not. Tell them or not. I think…NOT. They wouldn't believe me anyways.

"Some erasers came and injected you all with tranquilizers, I managed to save you." I came up with that, pitiful right? She, and everyone else, seemed to buy it. There was more questions and such after that, but hey, who cares about the boring stuff. Let's now skip to the…revenge.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I randomly shouted into the heavens, the camera zooming out as a did so. It made a nice effect if you ask me, but the others just looked at me. Fang looked crushed at what I was capable of, and I just smirked. I then walked off into the other room, where other gadgets and gizmos lay, to plot some more. I grabbed Lemons and went to the drawing board.


	5. Accents and Revenge

**Not as good, but what the heck. I'm thinking about getting rid of this story, only because I'm losing some of my interest in it. But just realize this is all meant for laughs, nothing serious. Flame if you want, I honestly don't give a monkey. **

**Disclaimer: O' Mighty James Patterson, Lord of Maximum Ride, please spare mercy on my unfortunate soul and do not sue me. In other words: No, I do not own Max Ride.**

"Secret! Ageeent! Man!" I sung softly as I darted behind the bed, near Fang's backpack. No one was in the hotel room, but you could never be too sure. There could be microscopic cameras planted by world-dominating bunnies in here, you know.

In my hands lay something the Voice had given me. It was a gizmo that allowed you to change something's color. I had already knew what I was going to use it for.

Reaching into Fang's black backpack, I retrieved his clothes. Let's see. I think a pink top would totally bring out his eyes, yes. Then, purple pants. Who _doesn't _love purple pants? They're awesome radiates with purple-ness. Let's see, what color boxers? Something humiliating. Wait, not _one _color; but several. In one area, I put a dark brown stain. On the opposite side, I added a slight tint of yellow. Then, to finish it off, I made the rest of it rainbow. Perfect.

I quickly put everything back, went to go hide the gizmo, and got on Fang's laptop. I browsed through fan fictions and blog comments. What's this?

"Max and…HER problems." If the title didn't catch me, the summary did. I began to read. In my horror, the story told an exact replay of everything that happened. Who is this author? Is he working for them? Maybe he's God. Or…

Suddenly, the flock came in. Dang, looks like my investigating will have to wait. My mood was quickly picked back up when I remembered Fang's clothes. I just had to act normal, easy peasy.

"Oh, my lovey dovey flock member, Fang. May I ask how your beautiful stroll in the park went? May I take your coat?" I said, oh so cool. Strangely, I had picked up an accent.

"First, Max. I'm not your "lovey dovey flock member". Second, we went to an arcade, not the park. Third, I'm not wearing a coat. Are you alright, mate?" He said, not following his rule of little talking. He also had picked up an accent, but it was Australian. Darn him. Darn him to heck.

"Yes, I'm fine," I then decided to change the subject. "So who gets the first shower?" Before anyone could say something, Fang grabbed his backpack and was in the bathroom. Brilliant. He liked his showers really hot, it was usually steamy. He wouldn't notice that his clothes were changed.

We need a family picture of this, to cherish this moment of time. So I grabbed the camera, and waited for him to come out. The flock gave me strange looks, why I don't understand. I waited, and waited, and waited. I couldn't move, if I did he'd come out and I wouldn't be able to take the picture. The fridge was taunting me though, with that delicious chocolate pie Angel and Iggy had made. No. Stay with the plan. Pie afterwards.

Minutes later, I was inching myself off the chair to get the pie. Once I reached the fridge, I heard the shower stop. No, darn. The pie would have to wait. I quickly sat back down and held the camera up. He walked out and…

_**Narrator:**_ _**Will Max's plan work? Will Fang be humiliated? Will she get the picture? What about the pie? Did you hear that Chad dumped Jessica for Britney? I know, I was shocked. Like, they were totally meant for each other. And…**_


End file.
